I felt like there was something in me that needed to come out

But I didn't know what it was or even what it was about

A weight on my chest again

not knowing what it was from

Just drowning in stress again

Despite all that I’ve overcome

Why wont my brain believe that I’m safe

Why wont my body just give me a break

Another day begging myself to be better

So I sat down and started to write myself a letter

Instead of telling me what needs yet to be done

I started thanking myself for who I’ve already become

🖤

 Have you ever begged the universe to let you keep someone 

You know if you have to let them go, your life will come undone 

Have you ever asked please just let one person stay? 

Please, I really don't want this one to go away 

Anyone but them, I'm so tired of letting go 

You've taught me well I believe I already know 

How to release and get over losing someone I love 

please don't make them leave me can't you hear me from above 

Please please please just let someone stay with me 

I can't take another loss please I don't want them to leave me 

I promise I'll let go of anyone or anything but them 

I promise I'll give up whatever, let me keep them even as a friend? 

Please please please dont take them away 

Please please please just make them want to stay

Please please please can't you hear me pray 

Please please please can't just one person finally stay?? 

Please please please 

(I didn't get to keep them)  

🖤

Maybe the angels don't want this

 cuz they know what I'd do 

They know i'd sacrifice myself

just to try to save you 

They know I'd give up a lot just to try to make you smile 

They know i'd do almost anything

just to get you to stay for a while 

They know I'm alone and they know that I'm desperate 

They know I am craving love 

and dying of hunger because I don't get it 

They know I'm starved of attention 

But still won't let anyone give me affection 

They know that I'm on my own

and I'm in the dark most of the time 

They know I would love you too hard 

like I'm committing a crime 

Maybe we keep getting resistance because we're not meant to be 

Maybe you misunderstand because you wouldn't be good for me 

I say that I trust the process but I feel hopeless way too often 

I keep wearing down my hands making more calluses 

but still wishing that they'd soften

I keep avoiding all the things I should do 

cuz they don't bring me joy 

I keep letting myself get involved with people 

who only see me as a toy 

I keep hurting on the inside and smiling on the out

I keep telling everybody to believe in themselves

while I'm still drowning in self doubt 

I don't have anything to my name 

and I don't have a hopeful future  

I keep cutting myself back open

too deep to try to suture 

I'm a mess 

But they don't believe me when I say it 

Until I lose my shit then they just try to play it 

Off like they don't know 

Like they had no clue 

But I know they heard me the first time

And just didn't think that it was true

How can I be so empty on the inside 

but walk around feeling so heavy 

….. 

How can I go through so much hell

and still believe in a happy ending 

…..

 How do I stop all of the voices

before they destroy me from the inside 

…..

I tried calling on the angels 

but I got no answer 

maybe they all died 

…. 

🖤

I think that it's time for me to go away 

And just so you know I would prefer to stay 

But I can't let myself stay somewhere 

That I'm not treated like I need 

I cannot stay somewhere 

that makes my heart bleed 

I can't do unsure energy 

my attachment issues will revolt 

I don't know why I'm like this 

and I know my problems aren't your fault 

But I still have to honor my needs 

and protect my feelings 

I don't need to be given more 

on my plate for healing 

So I have to go 

 I wish we could have stayed friends 

I wish that we could be cool

and this didn't have to be the end 

But it's about dignity 

and having self respect 

It's obvious to me even as a friend

those things you would neglect 

Cuz you already have 

you genuinely hurt my feelings

And like i said, I can't afford

to be given more wounds that need healing 

🖤

Days were blurred I was just going through the motions 

I felt like a zombie and was drowning in an ocean 

Of all my obligation

and the waves of stagnation 

I started to try my best to become better 

Despite all the ways I felt I'd be stuck there forever 

I pulled myself out, and when I finally looked up 

I saw you 

You were looking at me too

Though I'm scared and unsure you've already helped me 

Healed something inside of me when I asked if you felt me 

And you stayed right there

And showed me you care 

Whatever happens now I just want you to know this 

I'm happy it happened and pretty sure I will blow this 

But even if just for today 

Thanks for taking my pain away 

🖤

Hi there I know that we don't know each other 

We've never talked in person 

And we have barely even messaged one another 

But I've noticed the way that you stare at me 

I've been watching everything you share in your stories on IG 

I'm not stalking you but I definitely have been paying attention 

I will admit that I feel some sexual tension 

I wonder what you think of me or if you even do 

I hope that the notion I got is really true 

Cuz I think that you like me too

And want to get closer 

I think you're a really funny social media poster 

I want to know if you'd like to just keep watching from a far 

Or if you'd let me try to get to know who you are 

I can just let you watch me and I'll cheer for you too 

But just so you know, I do like you 

🖤

I look in the mirror and I ask “what do you need?”

But the face staring back at me is full of greed

All I see is depression, and she just wants to feed

🖤

Though my heart aches

I will not turn it off

My job here is to love

And knowing that, is enough

To keep me hoping

and sucking it up

At least most of the time

Here and there i get stuck

But believing that i

Have a mission to complete

Makes me still want to try

And get back on my feet

So i do what i must

As tears roll down my face

Just another day watching

The world run its rat race

🖤

It's been more than two years now 

I've been searching for only one thing 

The world told me to let it go 

And that I should just follow my dreams 

God said I should sing 

And help people heal 

He even said I can teach people 

How to manage the sadness they feel 

I was told I could dance 

No matter my size 

That finding myself would be the biggest prize 

I've rediscovered my love for painting, 

taken hundreds of pictures of butterflies 

I've truly come to see the world through a grateful set of eyes 

i connected with the trees and made friends with mother earth 

i did things to prove to my own self how much I'm really worth 

I learned so many things about the world 

And the different ways that people love 

I even gained an undying faith that I am protected and guided from above 

I met people that I geeked out over and

Found friends in the loneliest of places 

I swallowed my pride and tried new things and went places with only unfamiliar faces 

I've done so much alone and crossed things off my bucket list 

I've reconnected, and then lost again, people that I had dearly missed 

I have lived so much life in the last few years 

I've faced all my old ones and gained some new fears

I've turned into a person I admire and love 

I've found things in my life that fit me like a glove 

So much has happened and so much has changed 

In the last two years or so, my whole life rearranged 

I have been given opportunities that most people only dream of 

And I've realized I have friends who I really truly love 

But there's one thing on my mind 

Honestly it's there all the time 

That little hope that has never gone away 

That thing that I think about every single day 

I don't want to be 

Alone like I am 

I don't want to hug myself 

I want it to be someone else's hands 

But I fear that the thing 

I want the world to bring 

Doesn't exist in real life 

Maybe that's why I sing 

Maybe that's why I hurt 

And the sadness does stay 

Maybe that's why I feel a pain 

That just won't go away 

Every single day 

For years I have wished 

For my journey to bring 

My one special fish

The person who's mine 

Who was created for me 

My soulmate, my other half 

My very own cup of tea 

All the sorrow I've faced 

Instead of getting my wish 

Makes me afraid I am someone 

Who won't get my fish 

What if I'm someone who is destined to be alone all my life 

What if I don't ever become someone's true love, let alone someone's wife 

I thought I was ready 

I thought I had to find myself 

But I've felt found for a while now 

And still keep getting put on the shelf 

The world wants me to love people 

It pushes me to 

Sometimes it lies to me and tells me this time the love is true 

But it never is 

I end up learning a lesson 

I end up healing these men 

To send them to be some other woman's blessing 

I know I shouldn't want it 

I know I should focus on living my life 

But I have been and still all I want is to be a wife

I don't mean I want marriage 

Just the specialness of it 

I want to be someone that someone else can't help but covet 

I want to be loved and I want to be cherished 

Instead of ending up in situationships that are literally nightmarish 

All the things I have done and explored and tried 

Only make me want to have someone else doing it with me 

by my side 

You told me I needed to find myself first 

I know myself more, but my loneliness is worse 

I believe that you love me and that you have a plan 

But all I want right now is to be in the arms of that man 

The one who doesn't care 

Who won't message me back 

The one who doesn't even think 

I'd be a very good snack 

I thought I had stopped this vicious cycle 

I wish I could still get advice from Micheal 

You've given me so much to be grateful for 

But right now I just want to lay and cry on the floor 

Right now I just see that I've suffered a loss 

But I thank you for whatever you're doing

that came with this cost 

🖤

Here I am again 

I chased someone else away 

Not trying to blame myself 

But he didn't want to stay 

I know he asked me to stay first 

But i think he only did that out of thirst 

I think he just wanted 

To try me cuz he thinks I'm cool 

I don't think he realized 

I'm a mess, not a fool 

I don't think he knew 

That I AM actually crazy 

I don't think he thought it through

When he said he wanted me to be his baby 

I don't want to blame myself 

I know I could have made him stay 

But that's not the love I want 

I don't want love that wants to go away 

I don't want to have to fight anymore to feel good 

I don't want to convince another lover to do what they should 

I don't want to beg or bargain or flaunt 

Just to get a boy to give me what I want 

But I still want to be loved 

What a complicated feeling 

I want it so bad I might as well be kneeling 

It's not like me to beg but I do it every so often 

I guess I made it again to another rock bottom 

🖤

I've successfully convinced 

the whole world that I'm strong 

No one wants to rescue me 

they think that I'm just playing songs 

No one knows how bad it hurts 

and no one ever will 

No body thinks that all I want 

is to swallow the whole bottle of pills 

No one wonders about me 

or if I'll be okay 

Nobody thinks they need to stop what they're doing 

to help me when I have a bad day 

Nobody worries if I'm going to lose it 

and nobody is afraid that they'll lose me 

I'm the person who's always around whether or not you choose it 

and who doesn't stop loving you even when you don't choose me 

Nobody gives me back the same energy I give them 

And nobody worries if they'll hear from me again 

No one ever checks in on me cuz they wanted to make sure 

No body realizes how much pain I have to endure 

No one ever thinks about me and then tells me 

And no one ever ever ever offers to come help me 

I'm Truly Alone like that ICP song 

And nobody even knows

that anything is wrong 

because I've successfully convinced 

the whole world that I'm strong

🖤

Your misconceptions 

just might be the death of you

Assuming the worst 

instead of following through

That's something I’ve been told 

only little children do

And it takes one to know one 

so I know that it must be true

If only you'd just take a moment to ask

Or better yet let me show you 

I bet I would surpass

Any judgement you have 

or any limit you gave me

If you just gave me time 

you'd see no one has to save me

🖤

I can't even imagine what it was like to grow up as that little girl

I can't begin to think how hard it must have been to grow up in that world

I don't know everything that she's been through 

but I know the gist of most of it

I also know she cries at night when she's alone and her body is haunted by the ghost of it

I wish that I could hold her in my arms and take her pain away

I wish that I could tell her how sorry I am that she has to live this way

I would hug her and protect her and make sure she knows that she is loved

I wish I could go back in time and protect her from up above

Or at least watch so I know how she felt and everything that happened to her

I'd do anything just to help her heal from the things that happened to her

She told me some of it, but doesn't even remember it all

And when you ask about it sometimes her mind will put up a wall

I wish I could love her enough to finally help her heal

Wish I could show her she's safe enough that that's how she'd really feel

I wish I could wash away all her stress and everything bad

I wish I knew how to magically make her feel better when she is sad

Yes I'm in love with this woman and she's trying to heal

She's learning to survive in a world that's unreal

I just want to love her enough to set her free

from the chains of her past (the woman is me)

🖤

You've got to be kidding

Please tell me this is a joke

Something inside of your soul

Must be broke

To be able to do this

You must be some kind of monster

Who hurt you big homie

Who took your ability to foster

Empathy and care

Who made you this way?

Whoever it was

I wish I could make them pay

Make YOU pay? Oh no

You misunderstand

I love you, my friend

I just wanted

To give you my hand

And while yours was fake,

mine was real so I fear 

To hurt you

would also make me shed a tear

Besides I'm not even sure

If you feel

But I'd still feel guilty

And that's just not a good deal

I'm just letting you go

And setting you free

With a promise that you

Will never forget me

🖤

I don't want to write you a poem

Cuz everyone I ever wrote a poem for left

But I wish I could acknowledge

what your existence here means to me

If you are who you say you are

And I say “say” quite lightly

If you are who the voices are telling me you are

Then you are a gift

And you should be afraid

Because I always find a way

to ruin things that make me happy

🖤

Here’s me trying again

I’m putting on a brave face

I know you can hurt me

And i know i need space

But my heart wouldnt let me

Go on without trying

I guess I’ll have to risk

The chance i’ll be left crying

I thought that I shouldn’t

But I cant forget you

Your eyes have me hooked

Kind, hazel, and blue

I don’t even care now

That I could crash and burn

Because even if I lose you

I know that I’ll learn

🖤

Nothing you do is wrong

I know you just wanna sing this song

it plays in your head on repeat

so much sometimes you can't think sleep or eat

it's always there burning a hole in your day

it infects everything that you think, do and say

it eats at your mind it rolls around all in there

it tumbles and fumbles and spills everywhere

why can't you just stop and figure it out

why does your head have to be filled with so much fucking doubt

why do you keep wishing instead of being grateful

why do you insist on being scared instead of being faithful

why do you chase things that aren't even that great

why do you look at things as if you're a mistake

why do you consume shit that poisons you so

instead of indulging in all those things that help you grow

why are you scared no really figure it out

why can't you be brave suck it up open your mouth

why are you stuck why are you quiet

why are you so unwilling to just fucking try it

I'll tell you why it's not like i chose this

my head gets so foggy and I just get frozen

reality slips and nothing seems right

I can't sleep I can't eat I can't see the light

I can't find the place where the hope is at times

it's like something inside me blocks that part of my mind

it's like something takes over and wants to destroy me

I didn't choose this I didn't ask to be so fucking lonely

🖤

.

To me a year ago

Oh baby, I cant even imagine what you’re feeling right now

I mean I can imagine cuz I lived through it somehow

See I’m you, but I'm you one year from now 

And I’m writing to tell you that it will all be okay

I know right now you’re living minute by minute,

But it gets easier, I’ve gotten to day by day

Its going to get better, I wish I could hug you tight

I wish I could reach back and assure you

That everything truly, honestly really will be alright

I know you feel broken, but that’s to be expected

Sweetie I’m so sorry for all the ways you've been made to feel rejected.

Please hang on tight and just don't forget that your loved,

I (you) cant wait till you see that you’re guided from above

Oh sweet child all the things that you've been through so far,

Have prepared you for the ride on which you're about to embark

Its gonna break you and will show you yourself

But don't worry you don't have to do this without help

Once you realize how you're never really alone,

You get to start walking on your journey home

Your future looks better, and is so much brighter

Your heart feels too much still, but somehow sits lighter

You'd be so proud if you could see us now

Just know that you'll make it, don't pay attention to how 

I just want to thank you for everything that you've done

So I could find light in the darkness, and remember how to have fun

I promise I'll do everything I can to keep making you proud

And never stop dreaming with my head in the clouds 

🖤

.Appreciate the ones who accept you

because most of the world

Is hiding from themselves

and acting like little fucking girls

The more you feel happy 

and content with being yourself

The more you make others realize

they're trying to be someone else

They don't like you for it

because they're afraid to shine

While you sit there and light up

the whole world without even trying

If you knew how much

they wished they could just be you

It would make you feel so loved

by the insults they are trying to spew

🖤

You know I love you right?

But do you know how MUCH I love you?

I won't say I have never loved anyone like I love you-

Because I love you.

The truth is I have loved. I have loved a lot of people. Platonically and romantically, I've loved very deeply plenty of times. And I've hurt very deeply because of it. But that should comfort you right? You understand that I will survive if you don't love me back, right? I hope so-

Because I love you.

I won't say I would do anything for you-

Because I love you.

I would do a lot for you and probably go out of my way for you in more ways than are healthy. But I am determined not to lose myself in that way-

Because I love you.

I have so many things to say about how amazing you are, but I won't-

Because I love you.

You're my favorite person right now and I could probably word vomit for hours without stopping, about all the things I admire about you. I could make you feel like THE MOST important human on the planet if I took the time to explain the way I look at you…. But I keep the impossibly perfect version of you I've made up in my mind to myself-

Because I love you.

I want to attach myself and my identity to your needs. I would serve your every desire and offer endless praises to you but I won't-

Because I love you.

I could turn myself into your desires and feed off of your pleasure, needing nothing but your fulfillment to give me mine… but instead I sit in quiet defiance of what you want from me-

Because I love you.

I want to give you everything that I am, but I won't-

Because I love you.

I could become so entrenched in you that we both forget where the other begins or ends… but instead I keep as much distance as I can possibly bear-

Because I LOVE YOU.

I have learned that how I love is not healthy so I am protecting you. I won't drag you into my mess and I WON'T love you-

…..Because I love you…..

                                                      🖤🖤🖤

Disengage and detach

that's the message for today 

Feels like the world's on my back 

but it's just another day

Wish I was having a heart attack 

but it's just panic that's what they say

I said I'm not coming back 

but I didn't even go away 

🖤

To depths unknown you eagerly dive

Unconcerned with whether or not you’ll survive

I thought I was brave until I met you

Now I realize that was far from true

You peer in my mind and easily pry

About my monsters you are not shy

It seems to come so easy to you

And you even help me so it comes to me too

I’ve always been a source of unconditional love

People would tell me I came from above

You give me a taste of what I’ve always dished

And I feel like the universe has granted my wish

🖤

Connected by mind

Or maybe by heart

I felt that you got me

Right from the start

Too good to be true

Or too true to be real

I will probably never be able

To tell you how I feel

🖤

Do you really know what it's like

To see the things i see

Do you understand how it feels 

To be alone, like me?

Have you ever felt like you wish you could die

But you can't and you don't even get to know why?

Have you ever watched every single person you love

Put you on the bottom, and everything else above

Have you ever screamed loud, for hours on end

And not one person hears cuz you don't have a friend

Do you know what the weight of the whole world feels like?

Do you know how it feels to ignore all the hype?

Have you ever been kicked by the one you love most?

Have you ever been treated like you’re just a ghost?

Do you think you really understand how I feel?

Have you ever wondered if you’re even real?

Do you hear the voices? Do they bug you all day?

Does the devil speak to you and ask you to come play?

Have you seen all the signs and watched time pass you by

While your heart hurts so deeply you can't even cry?

Do you believe in spirits, do you have lucid dreams?

Have you been forced to see that nothing at all is like it seems?

Have you seen the devil in the mirror looking right back at you?

Do you think that angels are always here too?

The stories I could tell, you wouldn't believe

If you don't like what I’m saying then you should just leave

🖤

One day I was yours 

and the next you were gone

Never told me you loved me 

but you sent me love songs

The connection we had came on quick 

and too strong

And burned out just as fast, 

left no trace of a bond

Sometimes I still picture 

you moving up here

Sometimes I imagine 

you still want me near

Sometimes I pretend 

our only obstacle was fear

But thinking of you 

still just leaves me in tears

🖤

Don't give me your heart 

or promise forever

Just promise you’ll leave 

if something sounds better

One of my biggest fears 

is becoming a prison

Instead of a place 

where your hope’s always risen

🖤

Making the conscious choice

To leave my heart open

Even though there's a voice

telling me it'll get broken

I dont know if that voice is mine or is yours

But i’m bracing myself and

Opening up the doors

Thanks to you for giving me glimmers of hope

And not pushing me while i was at the end of my rope

🖤

I love you, me

I’m so proud of us now

Right now I am thinking

We deserve to take a bow

Just look at how far

Our life has improved

I'm so thankful it hurt

And forced us to move

Living life with our heart

at least when we can

Helped make our life art

And helped me take a stand

I'm remembering more

That we deserve good things

And those things go beyond

A man offering a ring

I’m so happy with me

Thank you life for this gift

I am finally free

To do all that I've wished

🖤

You said you'll love me forever while talking to another bitch

She can have you though, I'm done man I've completely quit

I needed you to break me and show me your real skin

So now I can let you go and never ever ever ever let you back in

I gotta go now can't deny it that you're bad for me

So fuck your lies fuck your fake love and fuck our so called family

I'm gone now and in time I know you'll come to see

You lost the realest one you'll ever have, thanks for setting me freeeeeeeeeee

🖤

My heart hurts right now in a really weird way,

Even though today has been a very good day

I've done all the things I am supposed to do

And also things just to make me happy too

I've been on a walk and done my affirmations

I said I loved my life and meant the exclamation

I took care of my needs, I've eaten and slept

I am not in the weeds or overwhelmed about debt

I worked all day at a job that I love

and still feel that my work fits me like a glove

I didn't hear anything today that made my heart hurt

And I’m even wearing one of my favorite black shirts

I am sober and healthy and warm and well rested

I am able to see growth in things I’ve invested

I drove to work in a car that has heat

I have cozy boots and clean socks on my feet

I've gotten cuddles and hugs from multiple kids

And nothing happened to make me flip my lid

On paper I’m doing so well that I barely believe it

Do I feel this way cuz part of me can't conceive it?

Something inside is still screaming at me

I am terrified this emptiness will follow me eternally

🖤

How many times must I go down this road

That starts out so happy, but ends up so cold

To me it is worth it to try again and again

Because something inside 

knows someday I will win

But someday feels so far from where I am now

I tell myself I will get there, 

though I still don't know how

🖤

I guess this is trust

It feels good to adjust

To expecting good things 

instead of thinking they must

Fall apart at any moment

And leave me in a mess

For once in my life, I expect only the best

🖤

Best wishes to you

You deserve it the most

The person who saw me

as more than a ghost

Your support and care

Wasn't lost on me, though 

my appreciation for you 

I hardly did show

You had my back

For reasons unknown

And deserved more love

For it than I have shown

I'm sorry I prickled

When you read me like a book

and still liked me I admit

I still feel a bit shook

Now it's probably too late

To tell you that I care too

So for now I just say

Best wishes to you

🖤

So here I sit, finally feeling numb

Why is that when they decide to come

Is it another test or more ways to be strong

I used to think if it feels right 

then it can't be wrong

But now I don't know if i’m able to try

I guess i still do have some tears left to cry

But they wont come out, 

as I told you I’m numb

And I still don't understand 

why now it would come

🖤

My heart is not yours

But you’re still in my head

It's been over a year

Since I’ve had a man in my bed

They say I’m not ready

But I’m not sure that's true

Or am I just saying that

Cuz it's what I want to do

Nothing is ever that heavy

But it still feels that way

Like when I want to reach out

But just don't know what to say

I think I need someone who feels this way too

Someone who also doesn't know what to do

Someone who wants me 

Just like I want you

🖤

I see what I want, I feel it in my heart

But there's something that always 

trips me up from the start

If I knew what it was, 

I’d have already stopped it

Every time I've let someone else hold my heart, 

they've dropped it

so I can't offer that to you, 

unfortunately

The only person who gets to hold my heart now 

is me

That's not to say I can't love you so true

But holding your heart, will also be up to you

🖤

If I could tell you how I feel I probably wouldn't

I'd probably just try to find out

instead how you're feeling

And that very fact makes me realize

I still have to do some healing

I don't wanna hurt you

I mean that, I really truly do

That's the very last thing

I'd ever want to do to you

But I can't even stop 

from hurting my own fucking self

Maybe if I could just take my brain out 

and put it on the shelf

If I could I would fix it, 

try to make it perfect 

like I do with everything else

Or maybe I'd just walk away 

and leave it there because i couldn't 

and blow it all to hell

🖤

If you walk softly

and no trouble you cause

people leave you alone

No I don't want applause

The only thing I want in this world

Is to just feel okay

If I could have anything in the world

I'd just ask for one day

Where I don't have to constantly battle myself

One day where I don't

Want to be someone else

To see what it's like to live life from the heart

One day where I could believe in my own art

One day where I don't hate myself 

and my world doesn't fall apart

In a million tragic ways

On a thousand different days

just one day so I know

what it feels like to be okay

🖤

Love doesn’t hurt

But the lack of it does

Longing for reciprocation

Or a memory of what was

No love doesn’t hurt

But it still hurts to love

🖤

.

SO many things in my head

That are eating at me

Not in a bad way

but they're just there consistently

Wants and hopes always riddled with fear

And doubts and pain also lending an ear

Nothing is wrong really

My life is so set

but my brain seems to find ways

that I could get upset

I deserve good things

theres a part of me that knows

But i start to show doubt

no matter how it goes

I always forget and i start to assume the worst

Someday my bad thoughts will manifest 

and put me in a hearse

🖤